Narcissus

Some things you should know about me.

I am a liar. I lie to tell the truth. I tailor my every word to and action to wherever or whoever I am. If I trust you, I will lie to make you smile. If I love you, I will lie to make you laugh. If I hate you, I will lie to make you uncomfortable. If I'm afraid of you, I will lie to make myself stronger.

I love hard. I love with everything I am. I will love you better than anyone else, especially your boyfriend or parents. I will make you feel like everything I say and do is tailored to you, because it is.

I doubt hard. When I am confused and things stop making sense, I don't just doubt the rain, I doubt the sky. I will disbelieve everything I held up as most important two minutes ago if it will make now make sense.

I keep stress in my shoulders. I have two knots on either side of neck. I am certain that if they were ever massaged out I would fall apart. They are where I put the weight of the world. They are where I carry you.

I love my family more than anything. I had them tattooed on my back on my 16th birthday. It is a poor reflection of their mark on my very concept of self. If I love you, and you do not love my family, we will not last. If you despise my family, I will despise you. I hurt them and lie to them worse than anyone else in the world, and if you hurt them, I will hurt you so much more.

I am always afraid. I have always been afraid. If I love you, I will not let you know how afraid I am at any time. You will see glimpses, but you will not see the whole. I do not fear for myself, I try not to think about myself too much. I fear for you, and I fear for my family. And, that fear is large enough to cast a chill over my whole world dark enough to swallow faith.

I pretend to be self-sufficient. I know when I need people, but I will cut just short of release. I will not be completely helped. I will take a crutch until I can walk with a limp again, when I will make a show of sprinting.

There are things that give me hope that no darkness can swallow. I cannot tell you what they are. I hold them close to my chest because if I let them see light I think they will melt.

There are always two places I want to be. One of them is with you, one of them is with my family. When they coincide, there is either a storm or perfect tranquility.

There is always one place that I am. It is under a microscope. Sometimes I look through the eyepiece, sometimes God does, and sometimes I do not know which is which.

I am not enough. I will never be enough. But still, I have hope.