Mothers and The Father

I haven't been spending much time with God recently. I actually haven't been spending any time with God at all recently. I think about it a lot, and I talk with people about it a lot. But, I don't really approach God very often. There are two reasons for this, one is practical, the other is a little deeper.

I live a hectic life. I get very little time away from some sort of obligation. Prayer is not an obligation, and meditation is not something to put on a to-do list between "go shopping" and "call mom." At least, I think that's the case. Maybe it's because of this attitude, but somehow prayer, meditation, engaging God, somehow they got removed from the list altogether. The lamest excuse ever. I'm just too busy.

This is the second reason. I don't know who God is. That's not completely true. I do not understand God. I know that this is a good thing, and at times I am more thankful for this lack of understanding than anything else in creation. But, I used to think I understood God. In those days, approaching God was easy. Easy as looking into a mirror. But now... I do not understand this deity. How am I to approach this? How do I come anywhere near this?

Intellectual inquiry into the nature of God is easy. It can be challenging, and disturbing even, but it very rarely hurts. This hurts. I do not know what to do. I want to find the peace of my childhood. I want to touch the divine again. But... I am afraid. I am afraid of reaching out for stone and finding sand. I am afraid of requesting in English and receiving a reply in Glossolalia.


Today, I called my mom. We talked about stuff, Thailand and girls mostly. At some point, I started to express how I don't feel like I have time for intimacy with God. She said that that wasn't acceptable, that I must make time for God. I said that it wasn't that I didn't have time for God. I felt like I didn't have time for peace. She asked what was peace but coming into the presence of God? And, again, this was unacceptable.

I wanted to tell her that I was afraid of God. I wanted to tell her that maybe things aren't as black and white as the picture I was given as a child, and that grays and blues and reds and greens are a little scary at first. I'm still getting used to these colors. But I didn't say that. I just said that I had to go, and we said goodbye.

After we hung up, I turned toward my bed and dropped to my knees. Guilty and ashamed, I lowered my eyes before the throne of the unknowable infinity. I meditated for the first time in a very long time, and I prayed. I do not know what to call what I found there, perhaps that proves that it was God.

I am not a very good Christian, but I'm trying. I truly am trying.