I Want to Grow Up... But

I've made a decision recently. I decided to grow up. I realized that I'd be living my life, and making my decisions, based off of what felt good rather than what was good. The resulting decisions and forks in the road led me to a place of self-pity and self-loathing. Or, as I would say were we talking in person, I felt like shit and I felt like a shit. I'm done with that.

I came to a place where I was forced to make some long-term decisions about what kind of person I am going to be. Suffice it to say, I didn't feel confident or comfortable making these decisions when nearly every choice I'd made over the past three months had been so... adolescent. I talked with my Dad about this stuff one afternoon, and he smacked me around a little bit. I needed that. He pointed out just how out-of-sorts I've been, how unsure I'd been about all of my decisions, my life. I decided then that I wanted to grow up.

I've wondered when it is that a boy becomes a man since I was in 5th grade. The past three months, I have been taking no steps toward adulthood save those foisted upon me by the passage of time. I've been a boy. I've been selfish, egocentric and hedonistic, and I've seen the cost. I want to be more than that boy.

Over the past two days, I've been wrestling with this decision, and things have been going pretty well. There remains, however, one gigantic hurdle which I am afraid may throw a wrench into this whole plan.

I don't want to do this alone. I seem to have an unquenchable thirst for affection and companionship, but now is not the time for that. I'm going to leave the country in three months and I won't be back until nearly Christmas. I'm working on school, and planning this trip, and planning my life, and I simply can't get distracted anymore. But... but. There's always a but.

But, I am afraid of being alone. But, I want comfort and to be comforting. But, I want someone to share this burden with, and whose burdens I could share. But, I don't think I can do this without help. But, I get cold. But, I lay awake at night and pretend that somewhere there exists someone who is laying awake pretending that I exist. But, I am a hopeless romantic.

But, that's part of what got me into this whole mess in the first place, innit?