Simple Minded Kids

Twenty five years ago, my father lay on the floor of his room at the Air Force Academy in Colorado. He scanned through the spectrum on the radio that he wasn't allowed to have for the first half of that year listening for the song that played over the credits of The Breakfast Club, trying to decide if he would forget about her.

He'd fallen in love. He'd given her a ring with the last of his money, but he wanted to fly. He was a brain surrounded by brains. She was something else somewhere else. She was a question mark. He was halfway through an exclamation point.

He chose her.

Tonight, I sit in my parents kitchen in Oregon. I scroll through my iPod that's very near death looking for the song that I listened to on repeat one year ago while packing to go home, trying to decide if I will take only what I need from them.

I'd fallen in love. I'd given promises in spirit, if not in word, but I want to be sure. I am a mystic, surrounded by mystics. They are sound evangelicals across the pacific. They are the exclamation point. I am on the curve of a question mark.

I am undecided.

I wonder if my father ever regretted his choice. Does he ever wonder what would have happened if he would have flown helicopters in the Gulf War? Does he wonder how high he could have climbed in the ranks? Does he wonder if he would have found someone else to marry? Had different kids? Made a little more money? A little less?

"I could have one or the other," he said tonight. I have said the same. Are these false dichotomies? Can I do both? What happens when you combine an exclamation point with a question mark? My dad didn't think to try, ergo sum.

Will I forget about them? Will I take only what I need from them? Will I ever regret this decision, or will I never look back?

I did this instead of important things

It's a wordle of my blog from first post to most recent! (click it, it's fun)

Something I Think I Can Say for Certain(ish)

(note: the following is self-indulgent, read at your own peril)

I think I have a clear idea of who I want to be. It's not very specific, in fact it's quite vague, but I think I've got it figured out... Kinda.

In Saint Spiridon Orthodox Cathedral, near REI, the dome portrays icons of Christ, The Theotokos, and others. Among them is an icon of Saint John the Baptist. The icon of John the Baptist, I am told by various books and podcasts, often portrays John leaning, facing, or pointing to one side of the icon. It is intended that the icon be situated so that the subject is angled, directing the viewer's eyes, towards the icon of Christ, just as he directed the attention of others towards Christ in life. In Saint Spiridon's he is situated to the immediate right of Christ, and he is pointing left.

That's what I want to be. I want to be an icon of John the Baptist. Not literally. That would be weird, but I think you get the idea. I want to point towards Christ. I want to shift any attention that might be placed on me, and move it to Christ. I do not want this to be forced, or awkward, or jarring, but natural, true, and calm. I have looked at the icon of John the Baptist many times without even realizing that, upon following his gaze, my eyes and mind always returned to Christ.

There's a problem though. I am an exceedingly passionate individual, and in my passion, I am prone to do silly, even forced, awkward and jarring things. I say what I ought not to say, and I do what I ought not to do. I want to learn to swim, so I dive into the deep-end. I want to understand what's happening in my own mind, so I spill it all over my friends and let them deal with it for a while. I am constantly in danger of plummeting my life into utter chaos by impulsively acting on some misguided passion.

I want to be tempered. I want to chill out. I want to get and keep a little bit of perspective on my life. I want to be free from my own stupid impulsiveness.

Then again, John the Baptist was a pretty passionate guy who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut, and now he's got an icon painted onto the dome of Saint Spiridon Orthodox Cathedral near REI. There are worse things to be than passionate, I suppose.