Something I Think I Can Say for Certain(ish)

(note: the following is self-indulgent, read at your own peril)

I think I have a clear idea of who I want to be. It's not very specific, in fact it's quite vague, but I think I've got it figured out... Kinda.

In Saint Spiridon Orthodox Cathedral, near REI, the dome portrays icons of Christ, The Theotokos, and others. Among them is an icon of Saint John the Baptist. The icon of John the Baptist, I am told by various books and podcasts, often portrays John leaning, facing, or pointing to one side of the icon. It is intended that the icon be situated so that the subject is angled, directing the viewer's eyes, towards the icon of Christ, just as he directed the attention of others towards Christ in life. In Saint Spiridon's he is situated to the immediate right of Christ, and he is pointing left.

That's what I want to be. I want to be an icon of John the Baptist. Not literally. That would be weird, but I think you get the idea. I want to point towards Christ. I want to shift any attention that might be placed on me, and move it to Christ. I do not want this to be forced, or awkward, or jarring, but natural, true, and calm. I have looked at the icon of John the Baptist many times without even realizing that, upon following his gaze, my eyes and mind always returned to Christ.

There's a problem though. I am an exceedingly passionate individual, and in my passion, I am prone to do silly, even forced, awkward and jarring things. I say what I ought not to say, and I do what I ought not to do. I want to learn to swim, so I dive into the deep-end. I want to understand what's happening in my own mind, so I spill it all over my friends and let them deal with it for a while. I am constantly in danger of plummeting my life into utter chaos by impulsively acting on some misguided passion.

I want to be tempered. I want to chill out. I want to get and keep a little bit of perspective on my life. I want to be free from my own stupid impulsiveness.

Then again, John the Baptist was a pretty passionate guy who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut, and now he's got an icon painted onto the dome of Saint Spiridon Orthodox Cathedral near REI. There are worse things to be than passionate, I suppose.