I Still Don't Get It

Today, I was walking through a semi-sketchy part of Ballard. Down the road, I could see a homeless man walking around in a parking lot. Pretty soon, it became apparent that our paths would cross. I don't know if it was something about his body language, or if I'm just an entitled dick with classism issues, but I was really not looking forward to crossing this guy's path. He was very dirty, and he was shaking as he walked around, taking these little shuffling steps.

As I got closer, he stopped at a bench near the sidewalk that had ashtrays on either side of it. He sifted through each of the ashtrays looking for something smokable. I reached into my coat pocket, pulled out my cigarettes, and handed one to him. I asked him if he needed a light, and he shook his head. I kept on walking.

I honestly don't even know if I made eye-contact with the guy before handing him the cigarette. He didn't say anything to me, and he was so shaky that what I took to be him shaking his head "No, I don't need a light" could very well have been him just standing there. The silence and speed of the transaction kinda bothers me. He may have just been too out of it to really respond. But, it was almost like the second he saw that pack of cigarettes he knew what was coming. Benefactor extends token. I accept token. Benefactor offers secondary token. I refuse. Benefactor leaves. It was like we were both following some kind of script, and neither of us were all too happy about our roles.

This wasn't one of the homeless guys who panhandles, either. This guy had a mental illness, or maybe he was coming down from something, or maybe he was getting up on something. My money is on mental illness. His face and hands were layered with dirt, and even though I walked by pretty quickly, the smell was still there. I didn't stay with him long enough to get a very good look at his face, but his beard was scraggly and dirty, and he looked old. I don't remember the look in his eyes, but they were blue.

This is the reason that this is even worth thinking about. When I was first walking in the general direction of this guy, I dreaded the very thought of physical proximity. I didn't see him as a person; I saw him as a potential threat. But then, when he was sifting through those ashtrays, I felt pity. He still wasn't another human being to me, though. Now, he was just a pitiful spectacle that I felt sorry for. I didn't give him a cigarette out of the kindness of my heart. I did it because he was just so damn pathetic.

So, what do I offer this person in need? Do I walk up to him and help him find a place to stay and take a shower? Do I take him to the 7-11 that is literally one block away and buy him some food? Do I even pray for the guy? No. I walk up to him and offer him a bit of mutual bondage, and I don't even light it for him.

I don't know his name. I don't know how old he is. I don't even know what his voice sounds like. I didn't give him the time. I just kept walking. But, to be honest, I don't know if I really could've done anything else.