A Prayer of Sorts

The problem I'm having is predominately one of trust. Some may trust in horses, and some may trust in chariots, but we will trust in the name of our God. See, the thing is, there's a lot of people throwing the name of my God around, and I'm not sure which one is real. I must trust someone or something. It's easy to say "Trust that God will show you the truth." But in what fashion?

Some may trust in signs and wonders.

I was raised to understand that God revealed himself through signs and wonders, miracles and visions, tongues and prophesies. Then, something happened. It is a wicked and perverse generation that seeks after a sign. Damn straight it is. Not that signs and wonders are out of the question. It's simply that I'm not really looking for one, and I quite frankly don't really trust them. I've known too many people who have heard a voice from heaven tell them that they would end up marrying a certain person, and two years later they barely interact with said person. I can think of three off the top of my head.

Some may trust in reason.

One of my professors expressed a dislike for the term "post-modern" he preferred to call it "late-modern." I think I'm with him on that. One of the core tenants of modernity is that logic and reason can explain everything, and therefore we must use our reason to find truth. Post-modernity, as far as I can tell, basically says the same thing. It just admits that reason is subjective. Then, it takes the very modern jump to claim that truth must also be subjective. Modernity signaled the marriage of reason/logic/rationalism and truth. True "post-modernity" would signal its divorce. Thus far, it has not.

I have known many smart people, much smarter than I am, who have used their reason to come to the conclusion that God exists and that they should be Christians. Not only Christians, but Neo-Calvinist, double-predestination, reformed, non-denominational, evangelical, pre-millennial, Christians.

I have also known many smart people, much smarter than I am, who have used their reason to come to the conclusion that God does not exist, and even if he did, nobody would be able to be so certain of their doctrine to choose from any of the major world religions.

I have a very hard time following my own reason. I am, for better or worse, a bit of a mystic (I wonder how many times I've typed that phrase). I have seen what happens when I let my mind take control and figure out the world. It ain't pretty. That's not true, it's very pretty. It's also very false, and it collapses under the slightest of pressure.

I once sat at a coffee shop with a friend. She said to me, "I don't like theology. I don't need someone else to tell me what the scriptures mean. I can figure it out for myself." This is an attitude that I have heard many times before. I cannot agree, and I cannot condemn. I just can't do that. I can't. I know that the right combination of proof-texts and cross-references can produce a Frankenstein's Monster of a faith. And I am also quite aware of my own predispositions for the mad sciences and zombification.

Some may trust in tradition.

Most of the conversation within protestant circles regarding the correct interpretation of scripture are actually arguments from varying traditions of scriptural interpretation. The Wesleyans and the Calvinists have been going at it for a while now, and while the scholars of said traditions are well aware of the nature of their arguments, the kids in the halls of the high school think that they're just arguing about the Bible.

Some people will say that we choose traditions based on what "makes sense" to us. The argument from reason again. But, the thing is, most of this stuff makes sense to me, except for when it doesn't. Every tradition has parts of it that make perfect sense, and parts of it that any believer must take... well... on faith. It takes a lot of faith just to believe that Christ died and rose again. This is not a rational thing, belief. Perhaps that's why it's so intertwined with love.

Ever since Luther, much of protestant tradition has been based on rationality and reason. We've been trying for the past 500 years to figure out what God is trying to say to us. And, every time our scholar/priests disagree on a point of doctrine, we solve the problem quite simply. We split and anathematize. Everyone but us is going to Hell! The more mystical protestant traditions have mostly fizzled out or schismed into cults, which then fizzle out or explode in a blaze of glory.

My main problem with every tradition is that they claim to be inspired by God. Every tradition has stories of direct (and sometimes not so direct) revelation from God as to the Truth of their tradition. And yet, they disagree so heartily. If this is the work of God, then he must be playing at some game that I simply do not understand. That's actually quite likely.

But I will trust in the name of my God.

I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible;
And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Only-begotten, Begotten of the Father before all ages, Light of Light, True God of True God, Begotten, not made; of one essence with the Father, by whom all things were made: Who for us men and for our salvation came down from heaven, and was incarnate of the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary, and became a man;
And was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate, and suffered and was buried;
And the third day He rose again, according to the Scriptures;
And ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of the Father;
And He shall come again with glory to judge the living and the dead, Whose kingdom shall have no end.
And I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, and Giver of Life, Who proceeds from the Father, Who with the Father and the Son together is worshiped and glorified, Who spoke by the Prophets;
And I believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church.
I acknowledge one Baptism for the remission of sins.
I look for the Resurrection of the dead,
And the Life of the world to come.
Amen.

That's the Creed. The problem of double-procession notwithstanding, all Christians worldwide would agree with this (in theory). Right now, this and the Lord's Prayer are all I have.

I have a lot of thoughts about truth, and hope, and love, and reason, and comic books, and morality, and sex, and joy, and addiction. And I talk a lot. But, right now I am certain of very little. I am confused, and I am frustrated, and I am very very afraid.

I shared my recent foray into orthodoxy with a missionary friend last week. She said that she was "pleasantly surprised." I was pleasantly surprised by her pleasant surprise. She said that it sounded like I was entering into this thing with an attitude of freedom, that I was seeking for truth, whereas before I was pushing on in my spiritual life because I needed to be better, because of my guilt. Very astute observation. She said that she hoped that I would eventually be at a place where I could put my trust in Christ alone, regardless of tradition, reason, what have you.

I would love to do that. I truly truly would.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.


Lord have mercy.