I wish I were standing victoriously at the bow of my ship as we make record time around the horn of Africa, but instead I feel far more like the boy paddling furiously in his raft who get's dashed on the rocks when he reaches the mouth of the bay.
I know this isn't a unique sentiment. In fact, I'm sure it's fairly common. But, it still feels like shit.
I think I make a good impression. I'm pretty good at image control. Which is to say that people see me as who I want them to see, more or less. I mean, I make mistakes and let the real me slip out from time to time, but people are usually pretty forgiving of that sort of thing, and they chalk it up to a lapse in judgement (which, I suppose it usually is, in a sense).
But, the real me, the one who I do my damnedest to keep as hidden as possible, the real me is much more despicable, disgusting even. In social psychology, there is a theory called the Looking-Glass Self. Basically, we believe ourselves to be the people that we perceive other people perceiving us to be. Maybe this will help.
Maybe this is just a self-esteem issue. Maybe I should go see a counselor or something. Maybe I should expect less from myself. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I obviously have no clue what I'm talking about.
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It is pretty well established that people have perceptions of us that we don't hold to be true. This is represented in the picture you posted above, how everyone sees you in a different way: as an angel, a devil, strong, weak, whatever it is. But, have you ever thought that our own perceptions of ourselves are also flawed? So, don't worry about what other people think about you so much. We can only do so much, and everyone is not going to be pleased, but that isn't our fault. What does matter, however, is how you see yourself. You are holding on to pieces of yourself and not looking at the whole picture. You, my friend, are far far away from being a terrible human. But, you are human, meaning you make mistakes and have insecurities just like the next person.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I think I know these things, it's just difficult to apply them sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI don't care who you see in the mirror, as long as you keep shaving.
ReplyDeleteFigure out your favorite part of you. Try to be that. It won't work, because it's only part of you. Reconcile the different sides and live in the tension, where it isn't comfortable. Something emerges then. Something fucked up, grinning, weeping, wonderful. The self that you were given - all of it - is what you've got to work with, and living with every part of it is, I think, the best we can do. I don't mean hedonism or being selfish; I mean recognizing the different angles you play. There is a lot of good in you and a lot that has gone wrong. Yet all of you must breathe at some point or another... so let it breathe, and let the guilt burn itself out. It will.
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